Habitat Bookstore

    A panda walks into a busy restaurant, sits down and orders a meal. After he's finished eating, he pulls out a gun and starts shooting at everyone. People are screaming, and ducking, and everyone is terrified for their lives.
    The owner of the restaurant comes over to the panda and tells him to stop. The panda looks at him and says, "I'm a panda. That's what I do. Look it up in the encyclopedia."
    So, the owner goes and gets an encyclopedia, and looks up "panda". In the description he read: "Native of China. Large furry mammal. Eats shoots and leaves."

Cat Characteristics
(Or the inconsistency of women)
I've never understood why women love cats.

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, when they do come home they expect to be
fed and stroked, then want to be left alone to sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

     A man left form work one Friday afternoon and boozed it up until Sunday night. At home he was then confronted by a very angry wife. After a tirade befitting his actions, she finally stopped the nagging and simply said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
     His reply was, "That would be fine with me."
     Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. On Tuesday and Wednesday he did not see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Choice(y) About Their Food

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, and I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know the ones that have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder....those are friars!"

The latest on cannibal food is: they don't eat clowns anymore.
Why?
Because they taste funny.

William Bennett on the temporary

After attending a wedding where the bride and groom said vows to "remain together as long as love shall last," Bennett sent them a wedding gift: Paper Plates.

Ooops

When someone says, "Its not the money its the principle."

Its the money.

The Laughing God

Q. When is it that God laughs?
A. When you are telling Him your plans.

Knowing Her Name
A fellow met Miss Right. It was like love at first sight. It was only after they married that he learned her first name: Always.

Never judge the depth
of the well
by the length
of the pump handle.

Cemetery Etcetera